The early warning signs of an abuser:

This first video (less than a minute) shows how it can start with social media. Every young girl needs to see this.
Back when I began my new blog I met someone who wrote about the abuse and misuse of women. I soon followed her blog and a half dozen others, all on the same subject. Because of time, only one have I followed closely, and I can barely comprehend what she is going through for her children with her ex-husband. He is beyond cruel, manipulating, and quite likely mentally retarded but smart enough to keep the pot stirred.
I’m going through much the same thing with a young girl I care deeply for. I haven’t seen her for over two years and she has basically cut off communication. So I have to wonder why? Pretty sure I know why. Her boyfriend (now her husband) showed many signs of future abuse. Is he totally controlling her now? Has he caused her to cut off communication with other members of her family? (Me, fine, but she needs her family.) Have the pokes now turned into punches? Has the cursing escalated? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe marriage changed everything. Oh, almost forgot, they began their relationship with a child, which pretty much locked her in right away. (Just once I saw him literally yell at the three-year-old. The expression I saw appear on the child’s face….) There too, has his treatment of the child escalated?
At the end of this post is a video (less than 3 minutes.) How do I describe it? A woman took her picture every day for a year. At first she’s all smiles and happy. Then the eyes begin to change, not to fear exactly, but just change…you know what I mean. Then there’s a black eye, then healing, then another black eye and other bruises, more healing and smiles, then two black eyes, and then…well, I don’t want to describe it. The important thing is, at the beginning of the video she is a gentle beauty, but then the changes, her whole appearance begins to suffer, she no longer is the same woman, but beaten in all ways. I don’t want to believe a man could treat his wife so.
In the following article (not mine) I will write “yes” if I have seen it happen to the young girl I care about. Otherwise “not sure.”
He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners (YES)
A certain amount of anger and resentment toward an ex-partner is normal, but beware of the man who is very focused on his bitterness or who tells you about it inappropriately early on in your dating. Be especially cautious of the man who talks about women from his past in degrading or condescending ways or who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women. Be alert if he says that his previous wife or girlfriend falsely accused him of being abusive-try to get her side of the story. Be cautious of a man who says that you are nothing like the other women he has been involved with, that you are the first partner to treat him well, or that earlier women in his life have not understood him.

He is disrespectful towards you (YES)
Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of others, if he is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack of respect.
He does favors that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable
These can be signs of a man who is attempting to create a sense of indebtedness.

He is possessive and jealous (YES)
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. Possessiveness masquerades as love. Jealous feelings are not the same as behaviours. A man with insecurities may naturally feel anxious about your associations with other men, especially ex-partners, and might want some reassurance. But if he indicates that he expects you to give up your freedom to accommodate his jealousy, control is creeping up. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’t love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. After a while you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance.

He is self-centered (YES)
Watch out for a man that does most of the talking, listens poorly when you speak, chronically switches the topic of conversation back to himself. Self-Centeredness is a personality characteristic that is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in profound entitlement or to severe emotional injuries (in non abusers) or both (in narcissistic abusers)

He tries to drive a wedge between you, your family, and your friends. He tries to isolate you so you are defenseless and must count on him. He may pick fights with your family and or your friends so he has an excuse for taking you away from them. He may ridicule your family and friends, and tell you that they are too stupid for him to tolerate. (Not sure)

Nothing is ever his fault (YES)
He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, his target of blame increasingly becomes you. He may make promises he can’t keep, coming up with a stream of excuses for disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly, and perhaps taking serious economic advantage of you in the process.

He intimidates you when he is angry (YES)
Intimidation, even if it appears unintentional, is a sure sign that emotional abuse is on the way-or has already begun-and is a warning flag that physical violence may eventually follow.
Intimidation includes:
Getting too close to you when he is angry, putting a finger in your face, poking you, pushing you, blocking your way or restraining you.
He tells you that he is “just trying to make you listen.”
He raises a fist, towers over you, shouts at you, or behaves in any way that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
He makes vaguely threatening comments, such as, “you don’t want to see me mad” or “you don’t know who you’re messing with.”
He drives recklessly or speeds up when he is angry.
He punches walls or kicks doors.
He throws things around, even if they don’t hit you.

He has double standards (Not Sure)
Beware of a man who has a different set of rules for his behavior than for yours.

He has negative attitudes toward women (Not Sure)
Stereotyped beliefs about women’s sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse. His conviction that women should take care of the home, or that a man’s career is more important than woman’s, can become a serious problem, because he may punish you when you start refusing to live in his box. Women sometimes find it challenging to meet men who don’t have restrictive beliefs about women’s roles, particularly within certain cultural or national groups, but the effort to meet such men is an important one.

He treats you differently around other people (Not Sure)
Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when everyone is watching, reserving most of their abuse for times when no one else will see. In teenage abusers, the opposite is often true. He may be rude and cold with her in front of other people to impress his friends with how “in control” and “cool” he is but be somewhat nicer when they are alone together.

Is this happening to the girl I care about? And her child? I don’t know….

5 thoughts on “The early warning signs of an abuser:

  1. Most likely, your gut instinct is right on this… She may not have the bruises, but it is really the destruction of the soul and spirit that leaves long-term scars. So sorry someone you care about is going through this. It is painful to watch from the outside, I’ve been told by loved ones who watched helplessly as my soul died. Never give up on her…no judgement…just compassion💜


  2. Awesome post. I can relate to every question that was listed and this video. So many of us have been victimized by others and wounded by these abusive words and actions… and the wear and tear to our soul becomes evident just like these pictures taken over a year.
    I pray that the person that you care about realizes that no one ever should be abused and gets away from that person who is wounding her. I pray that God will open her eyes and heal her heart. Thanks for bringing attention to this problem. God bless you!!


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